Homeschooling a Child Who Fights It

Each child is so unique. Even if children share the same genetics, their learning styles, preferences and personalities can be so different. Being blessed with a child who loves worksheets, soaks everything up quickly and learns to read just before the age of five can boost a mom’s confidence. And on the flip side of that, being blessed with a child who struggles to read or is strong willed or who has mood swings can make a mom feel like she is somehow failing at homeschooling. She isn’t. If this is you–you are not failing.

The easiest thing to do, it seems, would be to:

Enroll the child in a traditional school setting so that he or she can learn from another authority, every day of the week.

OR

Enroll the child in a minimum two-day per week drop-off program so that he or she can learn from another authority for at least part of the week.

The temptation is great, because mom feels overwhelmed, like her child may never learn from her, and that she desperately needs a break. Maybe this is where you are at?

I hear you. You may have seen the Information Video or read the About page and learned that we have adopted three out of five of our kids. With learning disabilities as well as attachment issues, we have definitely faced hard times. I’ve been that mom who struggled so much with a particular child that I thought sending the child away multiple days per week was the best thing for all of us. Before making that kind of decision, though, I wanted to make sure we tried every solution possible to make homeschooling work. After all, I believe, in most situations, homeschooling is best.

Our situation was uniquely difficult, and I do not expect that most of you will have to try everything on the list below. With most children, one or two of these items will be the thing that changes your entire homeschool experience. We have found this to be true with some of our other children who had different types of struggles. Still, some kids may need multiple adjustments to their lifestyle in order to be successful. Don’t give up, mama. Keep pressing on to discover what is best for the child that God has blessed you with. (Yes, blessed you with. These hard moments are producing perseverance, character and hope in you, for God’s glory. Consider Romans 5:3-4: “…we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;  perseverance, character; and character, hope.”)

You’ve probably heard that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. We definitely don’t want to be considered insane, do we? (Even though homeschooling, in itself, may make us appear insane! Haha!). So, mama, let’s look at what can possibly be changed to improve your child’s attitude and willingness to learn.

1. Consider learning disabilities.

SO many kids use attitude to hide the fact that they don’t understand. Some kids use silliness. Some are just plain grumpy. Step back and pay attention to the heart of your child. The outer behaviors are sometimes so loud that it’s hard to see what is really going on. Take time out to pray for your child, that God would help you discern whether or not your child is struggling in some area.

Learning disabilities can be addressed in so many great ways. Here are some things that have worked for us over the years:

• Cognitive Therapy: We have worked with a sweet lady in Lynchburg whose program has helped one of our children tremendously. She helps children (and teens) with their working memory, ability to problem solve, letter sounds, multiplication facts, handwriting, etc., depending on the child. She stays pretty busy, and you may need get on a waiting list to work with her at a date that is several months in the future–but it’s worth the wait. I am happy to share her name and phone number with you if you like the sounds of this.
• Eye Q Advantage or Vision Therapy: One of our kids has used eyeQAdvantage through Infinite Mind. Another one of our kids went to an eye doctor who did Vision Therapy. Both options are great for a student who struggles with eye tracking or skips lines when they read.
• Audio Therapy: One of our kids does this through the Cognitive Therapy program mentioned above. It is specific classical music that has positive effects on the brain, used with headphones, for three hours per day. For our family members who are not going through Cognitive Therapy, I have found several playlists on Spotify, like: Brain Music, Mozart Brain Power, Brain Power – The Mozart Effect, etc. I combined some of these playlists and made my own playlist called Brain. I listen to these while I write, too. 🙂
• Rhythmic Movement Training: We have been using Rhythmic Movement Training with one of our kids. It is easier, and gives quicker results than the similar Neurological Repatterning, which I did for many years with our children.
• Neurofeedback: We have found success with neurofeedback for behavioral issues, and it can sometimes be helpful for learning struggles. I know of one neurofeedback program in Lynchburg: Advanced Psychotherapeutics. Note that while neurofeedback helped with one of our children’s behaviors, it was not useful for another child’s cognitive struggles. Cognitive therapy has been a better fit for that child. Each child is a unique human being and different things will work for each one. I just want to share everything we have tried. Neurofeedback is a bit expensive, and possibly more of a “last resort” option for many families.

I just heard a timely podcast by Durenda Wilson yesterday. She interviewed Marianne Sunderland about Homeschooling Kids with Dyslexia. This was part one of a two part series, and I look forward to hearing more! As you wait for part two, you can read through Marianne’s site, Homeschooling with Dyslexia.

Two out of five of our children have had dyslexia. If you have a student with dyslexia, a couple of options I have heard of are:

• Find an Orton Gillingham trained tutor
• Find a tutor who is trained in the Barton method

When we first learned our child had dyslexia, we could not afford expensive tutoring. I went into a homeschool bookstore in Oregon and asked what the next best thing was for a family who could not pay for Orton Gillingham or Barton tutoring. I was then shown the All About Spelling and All About Reading Programs. These are great programs and a good place to start if private tutoring is outside of your budget. (Also try the suggestions mentioned above).

Another thing that worked for our child was engaging the right side of the brain. In Oregon, we did this through an art program for homeschoolers. When our dyslexic child began painting and drawing it unlocked something in the child’s brain that made reading less difficult.

There are other learning disabilities to consider in addition to dyslexia. It would be worth exploring this topic to find out where your child struggles and what methods help that type of disability.

2. Consider underlying health issues.

A child who does not feel well will not have the energy to learn. Some children (like one of mine) are so stoic and able to cover up low energy or a general feeling of being unwell. These health issues may come out in attitude or behaviors instead. This can be so difficult to uncover, because some health issues are not seen in a typical well-child visit. We have found these techniques useful:

• Avoiding a particular food for a season to see if health concerns and/or behaviors improved.
• Seeing a naturopath to find out if the child has underlying food sensitivities or allergies.
• Trying a gut-healing diet like the GAPS Diet, the SCD Diet, or Whole 30. Our family was on the GAPS Diet for three years. It was amazing for all of us!
• Starting our child on a probiotic and some fish oil. I took a one-year course in nutrition, but I am not a doctor–so please consult your doctor about this. In my nutrition education, the four things that seemed to help nearly every disease were: fish oil, probiotics, vitamin C and fresh beet juice. Again, consult your doctor about any supplements, because I cannot give medical advice.

Does your child always seem to have a stuffy nose? Does he wake up groggy or get sleepy after meals? Do you notice big attitudes during times of low blood sugar? Consider all of these possibilities and adjust things or find a professional to help.

3. Consider praying for your child.

I’m sure you pray for your child. What I am talking about is intense, focused prayer for the specific child you are struggling with. Stormie O’Martin’s book The Power of a Praying Mom is helpful because it is full of specific prayers and lots of Scripture. Have you thought of fasting and praying for this child? Seek God’s Word, pray, and see if this is something He is leading you to do.

Sometimes the child who is challenging us the most is the hardest one to pray for. But, the Bible even tells us to pray for our enemies–how much more would God want us praying for the child He gifted us with who we don’t understand?

Also, this may be a bit uncomfortable for some people, but have you considered the possibility of spiritual warfare? I am not saying that every child who fights homeschooling is demon-possessed or influenced by demons. I think Christian parents dealing with spiritual warfare will sense it, or possibly they have faced experiences that let them know the struggle is for sure spiritual. We knew our battle with one of our children was not only against flesh and blood. It is helpful to find a team of people to pray over your child against spiritual warfare. Our family was blessed to work with a team who spent hours praying for our child. If you would like more information about this, let me know.

4. Consider an attachment issue.

We adopted three of our kids, so we are keenly aware of attachment issues like RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder). (Note–RAD can be a spiritual battle. See Number 3.)

Did you know that biological kids can have attachment issues, too? Often, these children had a rough birth, or health issues as a baby, or mom had health issues or trauma during the pregnancy, or the child faced some kind of early trauma. Any situation that disrupted a baby’s Need Cycle or made a baby feel unsafe, or that the adults in their life simply couldn’t meet their needs could potentially lead to attachment issues.

Sometimes attachment issues will cause a child to fight you when you pull out the school books because the child struggles to respect you as an authority figure because they are not attached. It’s not a matter of more discipline or a stricter approach. It is a matter of more love, more compassion, and a focus on healing the relationship.

My husband and I have sat through countless hours of training on attachment issues in adoption and foster care classes, adoption camps, retreats, intensives, etc. If you think you have a child with attachment issues, let’s chat. I have a feeling I might have an understanding of what your days look like.

There are a couple of great books I recommend in order to address attachment issues:

• The Connected Child by Karen Purvis (The late Dr. Karen Purvis’ work is the gold standard in attachment therapy. It’s amazing! If you can get ahold of her video training, you will be blessed to watch how sweet she was with the children she worked with.)
• Attaching Through Love, Hugs and Play: Simple Strategies to Help Build Connections with Your Child by Deborah D. Gray (We’ve seen Deborah Gray speak and share her techniques at multiple adoption conferences. She is delightful and gentle and I SO appreciate her approach!)
• Connection Parenting: Parenting through Connection instead of Coercion, through Love instead of Fear by Pam Leo (I saw Pam Leo speak at the Wild + Free Conference in Franklin, TN last fall. Her descriptions of parenting interactions were so loving and gentle. I really liked her and her ideas!)

Also, therapy with horses or other animals is helpful. One of the very best treatment centers for RAD in the country uses golden retrievers. I know of a couple who is starting a local equine therapy ministry near Lynchburg. Let me know if you would like more information.

If your child has attachment issues, they may be the child you want to send away to school or a multi-day program the most. I encourage you: don’t. This is the child who needs to spend the most time with you. If you have an opportunity to spend more time with this child while he or she is still under the age of eleven, please do so! Eleven is not a magical age, and please still do whatever you can to build relationship bonds with your child if he or she is over the age of eleven. I mentioned the age eleven because this is typically when children start pushing away from their parents and trying to prove that they are independent. Attachment is easier before this age, but it is not impossible at later ages.

5. Consider the curriculum.

Perhaps your child is fighting the curriculum and not you? Maybe the child needs less bookwork, less worksheets, and more time to explore outdoors or to focus on a subject they are interested in? Maybe your child needs more physical activity during the day. Perhaps skipping, marching, or jumping while skip counting or memorizing other facts?

This can be particularly challenging if you are participating in a school program (like a private school, public school or hybrid program) where all of the curriculum is assigned and you need to follow a lesson plan. If your child is fighting the curriculum, perhaps a change of pace and reducing the load will help. Work with your child’s teacher(s) and the staff at your child’s school to see if they are willing to help you simplify things. Or, consider teaching your child at home for four or five days of the week and deciding on a curriculum that fits your child.

On the flip side of a curriculum that is too rigid is the possibility that the curriculum is too loose. Is your child craving a structured school day and a few handwriting worksheets to make it feel “official”? Consider what the curriculum looks like and what might be best for this particular student.

Also, is the curriculum you are using a good fit for your child’s learning style? Maybe your child needs more hands-on learning, or more audiobooks and read aloud books instead of reading on his or her own. Pray that God would guide you in determining exactly what your child needs.

6. Finally: consider the approach.

I don’t want to add any guilt to you, mama!! I know it’s easy to blame ourselves and think “It’s all my fault,” or wonder what things would be like “If I had only known ___.” Please, don’t go there. This is not meant to point fingers at you.

I think self-reflection (with grace, not guilt) is good for all of us once in a while. For example, when I am homeschooling am I being:

• gentle?
• fun?
• loving?
• enjoyable to be around?

Or maybe, am I being a little too strict? A little too hurried? Distracted? Frustrated? Worried about getting through the workbook before summer hits?

Thinking about things going on in the world instead of the disciples right in front of me? Speaking of which, I shared this on social media a while back, because I aspire to be this:

I can’t say that I have pulled out my guitar anytime recently (to play all of the four or five chords I’ve memorized) 😉 and it’s definitely easy to let current news impact our day with our kids. Let this picture stick with us, mamas. Our sweet children need us to be strong, gentle and loving for them, no matter what is going on in the world.

Do I take time to play games with my kids? To read aloud and snuggle with them? To listen to them? (I know this is hard. Especially with a child who talks a lot, or even with one who barely speaks.).

Am I being my very best self with my kids during the day? (This takes moment-by-moment leaning on God and praying for His strength). Am I offering up the gifts God has given me in this beautiful ministry of motherhood and home education? Or, am I creating any kind of stumbling block or hindrance in my child’s ability to learn? The book The Call of the Wild and Free: Reclaiming the Wonder in Your Child’s Education, A New Way to Homeschool by Ainsley Arment was particularly helpful to me and I wished I had read it years earlier.

Again, don’t dwell in guilt. Let’s pick up and move on–where can we go from here? Pray. Set some goals and write them down. Now write down a couple of manageable action steps to accomplish these goals. I like to write my goals in a planner and always seem to actually accomplish goals when I work with a particular type of planner. Planners can be pricey, though. You don’t have to use a planner to write your goals in, you can use a scrap of paper or a spiral notebook or a notes app on your phone. Just make sure to look at your goals on a regular basis and keep checking off action steps.

In the hard times (and all times), it really helps me to memorize Scripture with my kids (try Hide ‘Em In Your Heart and Seeds Family Worship) and play hymns and classical hymns (I have played Jeff Bjorck’s piano hymns in my home, especially on difficult days, for over a decade). We have a chalkboard, and I cannot tell you how many times or for how many months Galatians 6:9 has been on it: “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” I have needed that verse. I quoted it at one of our son’s graduations. It has become a life verse for me.

This time will fly!

I know that working with a child who fights you can feel SO heavy and daunting. I know, because we were there, not long ago. It feels like yesterday that we were in the thick of really hard days. But the time flew by so, so, so incredibly fast, and now we have three adult kids who have graduated high school. You’re going to make it through these days, mama. Seek the LORD and rely on His strength. He is so, so good and He loves you and your children. He knows your struggle and He will get you through the rough days.

I hope this is helpful! Please comment below if you have any thoughts or any other ideas to share.

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